As I was in the bath, I was thinking about what I wanted to write as my next post. I thought of doing a series of posts with the title 'What do I think?' and with each post put a different topic and write about my pearls of wisdom picked up on my journey of life.
I went through various titles in my mind; friendship, relationships, love. I had snapshot memories from childhood to date showing how things I have learnt have shaped my experiences and how this has changed my perceptions.
I thought about changing the blog title, and a word kept pushing it's way to the forefront of my consciousness - Quintessence!
Quintessence - OXFORD pocket dictionary meaning 1.'The most essential part of something'
2. 'a perfect example of a quality.'
I tried other names in my head, such as essentially me, The real Christina Christou, Who am I?
With each title I had an issue. Me, I, Christina Christou, these are parts of who I am, I want the essential part, the perfect example of the the quality of that essential part.
I then went into ego mode - But what about my mentoring? What about the the angels? What about all the work I have put into trying to build my mentoring programme???
I spent over an our soaking in the bath, letting my ego fight it out whilst the quintessence of my being kept quiet, waiting patiently for the ego to burn itself out.
Then it came to me as quick as a flash of lightening - I was being guided to release my blog,to let it go.
Who was I being guided by? My Angels?
No!
This guidance was not external to me, it was inside me - it was my inner guidance!
Time to move on, grow up, take responsibility for my transformation!
It felt like I had passed the first initiation step and was moving on, with less help, being pushed to rely, not on myself as such, but to have faith and trust in something bigger than myself, angels, others.
Even though the guidance was internal, it felt not of me, but I felt a part of it - is this what it is to feel God's presence?
So, I am going to leave this blog, which I created out of love and hope. I have learnt many things through it, with it, without it. I have met some wonderful people, enjoyed their comments, and read some amazing blogs through it.
I have come face to face with some of my insecurities- the need for acceptance, approval, to make a mark, to feel needed and worthwhile.
Ultimately, I have been able to share what I have learnt along the way, sometimes revealing parts of myself, sometimes just hiding behind other's quotes or teachings. I have learnt from others but I have learnt more from my reactions to other's comments, or no comments.
In my last post, I mentioned a comment that set these changes in motion. Did she set them, or did she just give me the final push I needed to take flight?
I want to meet the wonderful being I am and truly face all that I have being offering to others. I have an incessant need to help others 'know' things, maybe I need to explore this a little further, what does this say about myself?
Maybe, all I will find is that this is my calling and that I should relax and get on with it, or maybe I may find something else.
I feel quite excited as I am surrendering to the moment, I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't even know what this all means, but what I do know is that it is essential.
I need to be true, congruent, real, firstly to myself, then to whoever else comes my way.
I am going to look behind each mask, each role I have played or carry on playing and look who is hiding there. I am going to shine the torch in every dark place and make peace with whatever is lurking there - then send it to its rightful place; past, future, or present.
What about my Mum's blog? 'Committed to love - a journey through grief?' That is TBA it is somewhere where I have a deeper connection with my Mum and my feelings about my loss. I will let it as is for the time being!
So, for now, I bid you all farewell. Will I be missed? Did I make a mark? Have I 'helped' anyone? Have I annoyed others?
I thank you all for being my platform, my sounding board, my companions on my journey. I wish you all well on your journeys.
Love and light
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